if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
