so that wasnt chicken after all
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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