if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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