I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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