So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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