he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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