allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
