i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
