It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
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