I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize