and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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