someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
