my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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