i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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