I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
