I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
