I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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