My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
