I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
