I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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