Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize