i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he was CRYING into my vagina
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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