Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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