Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
