no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
