So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
