Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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