He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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