oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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