There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
