You just made me feel so damn special
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize