White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
All the doctor said was why
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
