before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize