Small penises have feelings too.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
