I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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