when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
a search helicopter?!
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
