He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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