Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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