got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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