Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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