My liver just broke up with me...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
