my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
