i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
