Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
