just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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