You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
