College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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