As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
