Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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