does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
