i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Even my vagina gasped.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
