My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I love you.
Bad choice
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
