seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
