After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
