I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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