i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Come see our sink grown plant.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
