Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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