i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize