I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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