my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
