My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
