He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
