The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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